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Archive for April, 2006

BRIDGE TO HAWAII

A biker was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take!  It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and glorify me."

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make this wonderful woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

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V.I.P.

After getting all of The Pope's luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb.

"Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver, "Would you please take your seat so we can leave?"

"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today."

"I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.

"There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope. Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel.

The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.

"Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. "Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license," moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.  "I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher. The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five.

"So bust him," says the Chief.

"I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," said the cop.

The Chief exclaimed, "All the more reason".

"No, I mean really important," said the cop.

The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"

Cop: "Bigger."

Chief: "Governor?"

Cop: "Bigger."

"Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"

Cop: "I think it's God!"

Chief: "What makes you think it's God?"

Cop: "He's got the  Pope as a chauffeur!!"

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Law of Mechanical Repair:

After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee.

Law of the Workshop:

Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Law of Probability:

The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the
stupidity of your act.

Law of the Telephone:

If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.

Law of the Alibi:

If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

Variation Law:

If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

Law of the Bath:

When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

Law of Close Encounters:

The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

Law of the Result:

When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

Law of Biomechanics:

The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

Law of the Theatre:

At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

Law of Coffee:

As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Murphy's Law of Lockers:

If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

Law of Rugs/Carpets:

The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

Law of Location:

No matter where you go, there you are.

Law of Logical Argument:

Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

Brown's Law:

If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

Oliver's Law:

A closed mouth gathers no feet.

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THE OLD MULE

An old farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully.  From morning till night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule.  He tried to plow a lot.

One day,  when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field.  He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his  lunch. Immediately, his wife began haranguing him again. Complain, nag, nag;  it just went on and on. 

All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with  both hind feet; caught her smack in the back of the head.  Killed her dead on the spot.

At the funeral several days later, the  minister noticed something rather odd.  When a woman mourner would  approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in  agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a  minute, then shake his head indisagreement. This was so consistent, the  minister decided to ask the old farmer about it.

So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he  nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and  disagreed with all the men.

The old farmer said: "Well, the  women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how  pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement."

"And what about the men?" the minister asked.

"They all wanted to know if the mule was for sale."

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TerrorismForDummies.jpg

THE FOLLOWING IS A FANTASY THAT NEVER MATERIALIZED… 

One day the spin-doctors were late and George W fell off the wagon.  (Some guys when drunk are twice the men they are sober.)  He called an impromptu news conference…

"Okay, I've had enough, my own Republican cronies are recommending a $100 tax rebate to help with rising gasoline prices…hell, that would only pay for a couple of fill-ups!  Hiccup!  Tell them to stick their $100 bribes up their butts!  People are mad as hell and I am their president, by golly!" 

"Hardworking Americans can't afford to drive to work!  Food prices are soaring and truckers can't make a living!  Hiccup!  But Exxon made 8 billion dollars in profits last quarter and their other oily buddies did about the same!" 

"I am sorry, with windfall profits like that, it sure makes it hard to think the problem is just the lack of refineries or because fanatics in Iran got the bomb!  Burp!  No, I do not buuuy it, not one bit."

"Listen, you greedy no-account oil tycoons, you have been laughing all the way to the bank, but I am going to wipe those smiles off your faces."

"If prices are not back to something reasonable by tomorrow, I am going to take action, and this is no empty political jargon either.  I know you put money into my campaign, but you runny-nosed rogues gave to the other guy too, hedging your bets.  Burp!  Turn against me if you want, I am going to do what is right." 

"What am I going to do?  Hiccup!  You keep saying there is nothing I can do, well I will show you!  How about an enforced gas-price freezer, I mean freeze?  What, you would then insure a shortage and put the blame on me?  Let me tell you, just twy, I mean try and I will nationalize you sons of biscuit eaters!  Yes, you heard me right, I will do the unthinkable before letting you take this country and its economy hostage!"

"I will put a freeze on your profits too, and make that the biggest gosh darn rebate program the world has ever seen." 

"Don't worry, Hiccup, I am not going to forget your Arab friends either.  First, we will make Iraq pay us back for all we have done to make them free.  They've got oil, and now we are going to give them a bill from good ol' Uncle Sam!"

"Oh, what about your friends in the House and the Senate?  Burp!  Do you think they can stop me?  If any of that mother fuddrucker's crowd is going place the ill-gotten gain of gas barons over the American people, I'll plaster their names on billboards and newspapers across the country.  Come November, and I don't care if they are a baby-killing Democrat or a spineless Republican, we will see them voted out of office!"

"Now, let me see, I think 50 cents is a good price for gas, premium I mean, and while you're at it, make it full service!"

*** 

The elections saw the largest turnout in U.S. history, and despite legal impediments to a third term, George W was the first "write-in" candidate to get a majority of the vote over both major parties. 

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islamdominate.jpg

Here is another fellow ever so proud to live in the West where he can tear down our civilization with both safety and impunity.

ORTHODOXY TODAY:  Criminalization of Christianity 

No secret is made about the real meaning of ISLAM.  Can you imagine how things will become when such men are the majority?  Guess what he and his crowd would do to the ladies praying their rosaries for peace! 

Both Islam and Christianity are by their very nature, missionary or evangelistic religions.  However, they have very different views about the goal of our endeavors, divine providence and the end-times.  Christianity ultimately seeks a spiritual kingdom that is not fully realized in the here-and-now, although it is breaking into the world through the Church and by God's sovereign power.

"My kingdom is not of this world, for if my kingdom were of this world my subjects would not have handed me over…"

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WAKE UP CALL!

Dear God:

Why didn't you save the school children at…

  • Moses Lake, Washington 2/2/96
  • Bethel, Alaska 2/19/97
  • Pearl, Mississippi 10/1/97
  • West Paducah, Kentucky 12/1/97
  • Stamp, Arkansas 12/15/97
  • Jonesboro, Arkansas 3/24/98
  • Edinboro, Pennsylvania 4/24/98
  • Fayetteville, Tennessee 5/19/98
  • Springfield, Oregon 5/21/98
  • Richmond, Virginia 6/15/98
  • Littleton, Colorado 4/20/99
  • Taber, Alberta, Canada 5/28/99
  • Conyers, Georgia 5/20/99
  • Deming, New Mexico 11/19/99
  • Fort Gibson, Oklahoma 12/6/99
  • Santee, California 3/ 5/01 and
  • El Cajon, California 3/22/01?

Sincerely,
Concerned Student

Reply:

Dear Concerned Student:

I am not allowed in schools.

Sincerely,
God

             
How did this get started?…

Let's see,
I think it started when Madeline Murray O'Hare complained  she didn't want any prayer in our schools.

And we said, OK..

Then, someone said you better not read the Bible in school,  the Bible that says, "thou shalt not kill, thou shalt not steal, and love your neighbors as yourself."

And we said, OK…

Dr. Benjamin Spock said we shouldn't spank our children  when they misbehaved because their little personalities would be warped and we might damage their self-esteem.

And we said, an expert should know what he's talking about so we won't spank them anymore.

Then someone said, teachers and principals better not discipline our children when they misbehave. 

And the school administrators said no faculty member in this school better touch a student when they misbehave because we don't want any bad publicity, and we surely don't want to be sued.

And we accepted their reasoning.

Then someone said, let's let our daughters have abortions if they want, and they won't even have to tell their parents.

And we said, that's a grand idea.

Then some wise school board member said, since boys will be boys and they're going to do it anyway, let's give our sons all the condoms they want, so they can have all the fun they desire, and we won't have to tell their parents they got them at school.

And we said, that's another great idea.

Then some of our top elected officials said it doesn't matter what we do in private as long as we do our jobs.

And we said, it doesn't matter what anybody, including the President, does in private as long as we have jobs and the economy is good.

And someone else took that appreciation a step further and published pictures of nude children and then stepped further still by making them available on the Internet.

And we said, everyone's entitled to free speech.

And the entertainment industry said, let's make TV shows and movies that promote profanity, violence and illicit sex.  And let's record music that encourages rape, drugs, murder, suicide, and satanic themes.

And we said, it's just entertainment and it has no adverse effect and nobody takes it seriously anyway, so go right ahead.

Now we're asking ourselves why our children have no conscience, why they don't know right from wrong, and why it doesn't bother them to kill strangers, classmates or even themselves.

Undoubtedly, if we thought about it long and hard enough, we could figure it out.

I'm sure it has a great deal to do with… "WE REAP WHAT WE SOW."

Pass it on if you think it has merit!  If not then just discard it. But if you discard this thought process, then don't you dare sit back and complain about what bad shape this country is in.

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