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Archive for November, 2006

ERROR

Every morning is the dawn of a new error.

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Since the Pledge of Allegiance and The Lord’s Prayer are not allowed in most public schools anymore because the word “God” is mentioned….A kid in Arizona wrote the following NEW School prayer.

Now I sit me down in school
Where praying is against the rule
For this great nation under God
Finds mention of Him very odd.

If Scripture now the class recites,
It violates the Bill of Rights.
And anytime my head I bow
Becomes a Federal matter now.

Our hair can be purple, ORANGE or green,
That’s no offense; it’s a freedom scene.
The law is specific, the law is precise
Prayers spoken aloud are a serious vice.

For praying in a public hall
Might offend someone with no faith at all.
In silence alone we must meditate,
God’s name is prohibited by the state.

We’re allowed to cuss and dress like freaks,
And pierce our noses, tongues and cheeks.
They’ve outlawed guns, but FIRST the Bible.
To quote the Good Book makes me liable.

We can elect a pregnant Senior Queen,
And the ‘unwed daddy,’ our Senior King.
It’s “inappropriate” to teach right from wrong,
We’re taught that such “judgments” do not belong.

We can get our condoms and birth controls,
Study witchcraft, vampires and totem poles.
But the Ten Commandments are not allowed,
No word of God must reach this crowd.

It’s scary here I must confess,
When chaos reigns the school’s a mess.
So, Lord, this silent plea I make:
Should I be shot; My soul please take!

Amen

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TV LAND network will air a countdown special, “The 100 Greatest TV Quotes & Catch Phrases,” over five days starting Dec. 11.

In alphabetical order, TV Land’s list:

_”Aaay” (Fonzie, “Happy Days”)

_”And that’s the way it is” (Walter Cronkite, “CBS Evening News”)

_”Ask not what your country can do for you …” (John F. Kennedy)

_”Baby, you’re the greatest” (Jackie Gleason as Ralph Kramden, “The Honeymooners”)

_”Bam!” (Emeril Lagasse, “Emeril Live”)

_”Book ‘em, Danno” (Steve McGarrett, “Hawaii Five-O”)

_”Come on down!” (Johnny Olson, “The Price is Right”)

_”Danger, Will Robinson” (Robot, “Lost in Space”)

_”De plane! De plane!” (Tattoo, “Fantasy Island”)

_”Denny Crane” (Denny Crane, “Boston Legal”)

_”Do you believe in miracles?” (Al Michaels, 1980 Winter Olympics)

_”D’oh!” (Homer Simpson, “The Simpsons”)

_”Don’t make me angry …” (David Banner, “The Incredible Hulk”)

_”Dyn-o-mite” (J.J., “Good Times”)

_”Elizabeth, I’m coming!” (Fred Sanford, “Sanford and Son”)

_”Gee, Mrs. Cleaver …” (Eddie Haskell, “Leave it to Beaver”)

_”God’ll get you for that” (Maude, “Maude”)

_”Good grief” (Charlie Brown, “Peanuts” specials)

_”Good night, and good luck” (Edward R. Murrow, “See It Now”)

_”Good night, John Boy” (“The Waltons”)

_”Have you no sense of decency?” (Joseph Welch to Sen. McCarthy)

_”Heh heh” (Beavis and Butt-head, “Beavis and Butthead”)

_”Here it is, your moment of Zen” ( Jon Stewart, “The Daily Show”)

_”Here’s Johnny!” ( Ed McMahon, “The Tonight Show”)

_”Hey now!” (Hank Kingsley, “The Larry Sanders Show”)

_”Hey hey hey!” (Dwayne Nelson, “What’s Happening!!”)

_”Hey hey hey!” (Fat Albert, “Fat Albert”)

_”Holy (whatever), Batman!” (Robin, “Batman”)

_”Holy crap!” (Frank Barone, “Everybody Loves Raymond”)

_”Homey don’t play that!” (Homey the Clown, “In Living Color”)

_”How sweet it is!” (Jackie Gleason, “The Jackie Gleason Show”)

_”How you doin’?” (Joey Tribbiani, “Friends”)

_”I can’t believe I ate the whole thing” (Alka Seltzer ad)

_”I know nothing!” (Sgt. Schultz, “Hogan’s Heroes”)

_”I love it when a plan comes together” (Hannibal, “The A-Team”)

_”I want my MTV!” (MTV ad)

_”I’m Larry, this is my brother Darryl …” (Larry, “Newhart”)

_”I’m not a crook …” ( Richard Nixon)

_”I’m not a doctor, but I play one on TV” (Vicks Formula 44 ad)

_”I’m Rick James, bitch!” (Dave Chappelle as Rick James, “Chappelle’s Show”)

_”Is that your final answer?” ( Regis Philbin, “Who Wants to Be a Millionaire”)

_”It keeps going and going and going …” (Energizer Batteries ad)

_”It takes a licking …” (Timex ad)

_”Jane, you ignorant slut” ( Dan Aykroyd to Jane Curtin, “Saturday Night Live”)

_”Just one more thing …” (Columbo, “Columbo”)

_”Let’s be careful out there” (Sgt. Esterhaus, “Hill Street Blues”)

_”Let’s get ready to rumble!” (Michael Buffer, various sports events)

_”Live long and prosper” (Spock, “Star Trek”)

_”Makin’ whoopie” (Bob Eubanks, “The Newlywed Game”)

_”Mom always liked you best” (Tommy Smothers, “The Smothers Brothers Comedy Hour”)

_”Never assume …” (Felix Unger, “The Odd Couple”)

_”Nip it!” (Barney Fife, “The Andy Griffith Show”)

_”No soup for you!” (The Soup Nazi, “Seinfeld”)

_”Norm!” (“Cheers”)

_”Now cut that out!” (Jack Benny, “The Jack Benny Program”)

_”Oh, my God! They killed Kenny!” (Stan and Kyle, “South Park”)

_”Oh, my nose!” (Marcia Brady, “The Brady Bunch”)

_”One small step for man …” (Neil Armstrong)

_”Pardon me, would you have any Grey Poupon?” (Grey Poupon ad)

_”Read my lips: No new taxes!” (George H.W. Bush)

_”Resistance is futile” (Picard as Borg, “Star Trek: The Next Generation”)

_”Say good night, Gracie” (George Burns, “The Burns & Allen Show”)

_”Schwing!” ( Mike Myers and Dana Carvey as Wayne and Garth, “Saturday Night Live”)

_”Senator, you’re no Jack Kennedy” (Lloyd Bentsen to Dan Quayle)

_”Silly rabbit, Trix are for kids” (Trix cereal ad)

_”Smile, you’re on `Candid Camera’” (“Candid Camera”)

_”Sock it to me” (“Rowan & Martin’s Laugh-In”)

_”Space, the final frontier …” (Capt. Kirk, “Star Trek”)

_”Stifle!” (Archie Bunker, “All in the Family”)

_”Suit up!” (Barney Stinson, “How I Met Your Mother”)

_”Tastes great! Less filling!” (Miller Lite beer ad)

_”Tell me what you don’t like about yourself” (Dr. McNamara and Dr. Troy, “Nip/Tuck”)

_”That’s hot” ( Paris Hilton, “The Simple Life”)

_”The thrill of victory, the agony of defeat” (Jim McKay, “ABC’s Wide World of Sports”)

_”The tribe has spoken” (Jeff Probst, “Survivor”)

_”The truth is out there” (Fox Mulder, “The X-Files”)

_”This is the city …” (Sgt. Joe Friday, “Dragnet”)

_”Time to make the donuts” (“Dunkin’ Donuts” ad)

_”Two thumbs up” (Siskel & Ebert, “Siskel & Ebert”)

_”Up your nose with a rubber hose” (Vinnie Barbarino, “Welcome Back, Kotter”)

_”We are two wild and crazy guys!” ( Steve Martin and Dan Aykroyd as Czech playboys, “Saturday Night Live”)

_”Welcome to the O.C., bitch” (Luke, “The O.C.”)

_”Well, isn’t that special?” (Dana Carvey as the Church Lady, “Saturday Night Live”)

_”We’ve got a really big show!” (Ed Sullivan, “The Ed Sullivan Show”)

_”Whassup?” (Budweiser ad)

_”What you see is what you get!” (Geraldine, “The Flip Wilson Show”)

_”Whatchoo talkin’ ’bout, Willis?” (Arnold Drummond, “Diff’rent Strokes”)

_”Where’s the beef?” (Wendy’s ad)

_”Who loves you, baby?” (Kojak, “Kojak”)

_”Would you believe?” (Maxwell Smart, “Get Smart”)

_”Yabba dabba do!” (Fred Flintstone, “The Flintstones”)

_”Yada, yada, yada” (“Seinfeld”)

_”Yeah, that’s the ticket” ( Jon Lovitz as the pathological liar, “Saturday Night Live”)

_”You eeeediot!” (Ren, “Ren & Stimpy”)

_”You look mahvelous!” ( Billy Crystal as Fernando, “Saturday Night Live”)

_”You rang?” (Lurch, “The Addams Family”)

_”You’re fired!” (Donald Trump, “The Apprentice”)

_”You’ve got spunk …” (Lou Grant, “The Mary Taylor Moore Show”)

What about these, not on the list?

The devil made me do it.  [Flip Wilson]

Goodnight and God bless.  [Red Skelton]

I’ve fallen and I can’t get up.  [Medic Alert Button Ad]

(Cow holding sign) Eat chicken.  [Chicken Ad]

Hey Vern  [Ernest]

Yabba dabba doo time  [Flintstones]

Bam bam!  [Flintstones]

Up up and away!  [Superman]

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God made man before woman so as to give him time to think of an answer for her first question.

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BECOMING THE ELDERS

I was always taught to respect my elders, but it keeps getting harder to find one.

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Blessed are those who can give without remembering and take without forgetting.

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THE IRONY OF LIFE

The irony of life is that, by the time you’re old enough to know your way around, you’re not going anywhere.

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bruce2onmay11.jpgA little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened.

Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00.

When the postal authorities received the letter to God, USA, they decided to send it to the President.

The president was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill.

The president thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to write a thank-you note to God, which read:

Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Washington, DC., and those Democrats deducted $95.00 in taxes.

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A SELECTION FROM THE FEDERALIST, Mark Alexander, publisher: 

President Reagan led our nation through the dark days of the Cold War, which in many ways was akin to the shadow war we are now waging.  President Reagan laid out the guidance for how to fight that war — and win: “…[O]ur cause must be to rediscover, reassert and reapply America’s spiritual heritage to our national affairs. Then with God’s help we shall indeed be as a city upon a hill with the eyes of all people upon us.” Let us heed that wise and winning counsel, and let us always approach our Heavenly Father as our Founders did, with true thankfulness — not just today, but every day — not only in our triumphs, but also in our trials — by acknowledging our utter dependence on Him for protection and guidance.

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On this Day of Thanksgiving, may God rest your heart and mind, may He bless and keep you and your family, and may He continue to extend His blessings upon our nation. May He grant us courage and wisdom to match the tests of our age. May He impress upon us the spirit of our forefathers, their soul-deep craving for freedom, expressed with acknowledgement of their debts to God, as we strive to meet the challenges of our day.

As our forebears remembered with every prayerful word of gratitude, even self-reliance is, at its root, reliance on Him. In the words of John Winthrop, the choice is ours: “But if our hearts shall turn away, so that we will not obey, but shall be seduced, and worship other Gods, our pleasure and profits, and serve them; it is propounded unto us this day, we shall surely perish out of the good land whither we pass over this vast sea to possess it. … Therefore let us choose life, that we and our seed may live, by obeying His voice and cleaving to Him, for He is our life and our prosperity.”

(As always, we invite you to reprint and forward the Thanksgiving message.)

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I knew an old man whose wife was always loudly nagging and yelling. One day, when I had some time with him, I asked how he could still endure it, as he had done so in a marriage of half a century?

He looked at me and smiled. I noticed that he was praying the rosary with his beads hidden under the table.

Then he reached for his ear and showed me his hearing aid. “I love her dearly,” he said, “so when she gets into these moods, I turn down my hearing aid and simply say my prayers.”

I thought this was funny, but it was also interesting that this man took a handicap and made it a benefit. He carried his silent place with him everywhere he went.

Do you have a quiet place?  Do you meet God there?

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THOUGHTFUL LAWYER

oldlawyer.jpgOne afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

He asked one man, “Why are you eating grass?”

“We don’t have any money for food,” the poor man replied. “We have to eat grass.”

“Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I’ll feed you,” the lawyer said.

“But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree.”

“Bring them along,” the lawyer replied.

Turning to the other poor man he stated, “You come with us, also.”

The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, “But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!”

“Bring them all, as well,” the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was. Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, “Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.”

The lawyer replied, “Glad to do it. You’ll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high.”

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Scenario: Jack pulls into school parking lot with rifle in gun rack.

1973 – Vice Principal comes over, takes a look at Jack’s rifle, goes to his car and gets his to show Jack.

2006 – School goes into lockdown, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for traumatized students and teachers.

***

Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fist fight after school.

1973 – Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up best friends. Nobody goes to jail, nobody arrested, nobody expelled.      

2006 – Police called, SWAT team arrives, arrests Johnny and Mark. Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it.

***

Scenario: Jeffrey won’t be still in class, disrupts other students.     

1973 – Jeffrey sent to office and given a good paddling by Principal. Sits still in class.

2006 – Jeffrey given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. School gets extra money from state because Jeffrey has a disability.

***

Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his father’s car and his Dad gives him a whipping.

1973 – Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman. 

2006 – Billy’s Dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care and joins a gang. Billy’s sister is told by state psychologist that she remembers being abused herself and their Dad goes to prison. Billy’s mom has affair with psychologist.   

***  

Scenario: Mark gets a headache and takes some headache medicine to school.

1973 – Mark shares headache medicine with Principal out on the smoking dock.

2006 – Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations. Car searched for drugs and weapons.

***

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Scenario: Mary turns up pregnant.

1973 – 5 High School Boys leave town. Mary does her senior year at a special school for expectant mothers.

2006 – Middle School Counselor calls Planned Parenthood, who notifies the ACLU. Mary is driven to the next state over and gets an abortion without her parent’s consent or knowledge. Mary given condoms and told to be more careful next time.

***

Scenario: Pedro fails high school English.

1973: Pedro goes to summer school, passes English, goes to college. 

2006: Pedro’s cause is taken up by state democratic party. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against state school system and Pedro’s English teacher. English banned from core curriculum. Pedro given diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he can’t speak English.

***

Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from the 4th of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle, blows up a red ant bed.

1973 – Ants die.

2006 – BATF, Homeland Security, FBI called. Johnny charged with domestic terrorism, FBI investigates parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated, Johnny’s Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.

***

Scenario: Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary, hugs him to comfort him.

1973 – In a short time Johnny feels better and goes on playing.

2006 – Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison.

***

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All in the name of progress!

Liberals rule!

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