Love wants the entire person — body, heart, mind, and soul. The Jewish philosopher Martin Buber would speak of the “I-Thou” relationship in reference to ourselves and the divine as in opposition to the “I-It”. The former makes possible a covenant relationship between God and his people. The latter is to treat God like a candy-machine which we employ to get our petititions answered. The first speaks of love, the second merely of utility. It is the same for human relationships, with the latter manifested as lust in sexual relationships. It is all too easy to depersonalize others as a means to our own selfish advantage and satisfaction. It is quite something else to surrender ourselves to another. Christ reveals the depths of this kind of love on the Cross, where he surrenders himself as a gift for his bride, the Church. For this reason, marriage is not a 50/50 proposition. It demands a hundred percent giving from both parties. The only problem arises when one gives and the other simply takes, holding back. It is then that true suffering replaces the joy which ought to be there.
In the entire range of little romantic and yet chaste expressions of love, as well as in the loving of a husband and wife in sexual union, the needs of the other need to be center stage. The understanding of the other as irreplaceable and precious must always be held. Any act of love is then not simply the interaction of two animals in heat but two persons sharing their most intimate selves and identity.
I have had people argue with me about premarital sex and cohabitation. “How do we know we can live together unless we try it out first?” “Maybe we are not sexually compatible.” “Isn’t it better to have a test-run and back out than a marriage followed by divorce?” If people would only stop and listen to themselves talk, putting aside the rationalizations! I told one guy who argued with me, “Do you know what you have done? You have essentially reduced your fiancée to the level of a new car or a pair of shoes. You want a test-run? You want to try it on? Is that how we treat persons? What do we do with old cars? We trade them in. What do we do about old shoes? We throw them away! It is no wonder that couples stray and marriages fail. This mentality from the premarital stage is later carried into the marriage. We do not throw away people or view persons as interchangeable. Such a view is wrong and poisons marriage.
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