Hillary has called for a Senate inquiry to review the credibility of the intelligence used to justify the war and if people were misled. And if there’s one thing the Clintons won’t stand for, it’s misleading the American people.
A&E is going to make a Hillary Clinton movie called “Ice Age 2.”
UN chief weapons inspector Hans Blix said that he might write a book about his search for weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. That’s gonna be a fascinating read. “Day one, we found nothing. Day two, we found nothing. Day three, nothing here.”
Tuesday, NASA launched the Mars rover to probe the Red Planet. We sent a rocket to Mars. Apparently the CIA gave them reports Mars has weapons of mass destruction.
Yesterday 14 members of the House of Representatives got stuck on an elevator together. The situation ended badly: They got out. But we saved a ton of money while they were in there.
Proponents of this election to recall Governor Gray Davis claim they now have 988,000 signatures. Isn’t that amazing? I didn’t realize that many Californians spoke English! Where are they?!
Happy Birthday to President Bush. Turned 57 years old. If you haven’t gotten him a gift yet, you can’t go wrong with an economic plan. He doesn’t have one of those.
A new category was introduced at the Oscars this year: Best Non-Supporting Director. It went to Michael Moore. As you know, Michael, who won an Oscar for best documentary, then made some anti-war statements during his acceptance speech and got booed. He was really mad when he was giving that speech.
I haven’t seen him that angry since he was charged for two seats on a Southwest airplane flight.
All the TV shows are full of Democrats all furious, criticizing President Bush for the State of the Union Address. They said he exaggerated some of the facts. See, that’s something Bill Clinton never did. Clinton never stretched the truth, Clinton never even came close to the truth.
The leader of Iran has offered to resign because so many citizens are angry with his government. He told the people, “If you don’t want me, then I will just go.” And today Governor Gray Davis said: “Shut up. Quit saying that!”
How ’bout Jerry Springer? He announced in Ohio he is going to run for senator. Gosh, I wonder if there’s anything sleazy in his background?
Today in Africa, the Secret Service arrested a guy who made it onto the white house press plane traveling with President Bush, with absolutely no credentials. They think it might have been Geraldo.
A man in Arkansas spent 19 years in a coma before he finally regained consciousness. So there’s still hope for Al Gore. There’s still a chance.
The only other person from Arkansas that didn’t know what was happening for 19 years was, of course, Hillary Clinton.
Osama bin Laden and Saddam Hussein were both captured today. I guess this is true, it was in the New York Times.
How many watched that stupid “Hitler” movie last night on CBS? The guy playing Hitler was so good that during the broadcast French TV viewers actually surrendered.
Congrats to a New York horse — Funny Cide has won two legs of the Triple Crown. He won the Preakness this weekend down in Baltimore. A New York bred horse, now has won the second jewel. He’s a gelding; the gelding procedure was done on him to calm him down. Today Hillary Clinton said, “You can do that?”
We had a lunar eclipse last night. Total darkness for like an hour. Here in California people just assumed it was another Gray Davis energy screw-up.
According to a CBS news poll, 66 percent of Americans cannot name a single Democratic candidate running for president. The other 34 percent are Democratic candidates.
Top Things Heard In Line To Buy Hillary Clinton’s Book:
“At last we’ll cut through the lies and get to the embellished, politically motivated truth.”
“Hey, the Whitewater chapter is all shredded” “Why ain’t your husband king no more?”
“Hillary Clinton? I thought it was the new Harry Potter book.”
“That Barnes and Noble cashier looks a lot like Al Gore.”
“I hear the section about Bill is a pop-up book.”
“The last time I was at one of these, Rosalyn Carter showed up drunk.”
“Twenty-eight bucks for a book? That Lewinskys.”
“I feel weird doing this with your wife right there, Mr. Clinton.”
Top Things The Iraqi Information Minister Has Admitted Since Being Captured:
“Okay, Iraq didn’t win the war. It was a tie.”
“Iraq’s weapons scientists were secretly developing our own Hulk.”
“Tariq Aziz had Botox.”
“Saddam Hussein’s not the innocent angel everyone thinks he is.”
“Dr. Germ looks really hot when she’s synthesizing VX gas.”
“You picked the right guy for the ‘Queen of Clubs,’ if you know what I mean.”
“Howard Dean will win the 2004 election.”
“Uday Hussein’s birth name — Gary.”
“I’ve been offered a job as editor of ‘The New York Times’.”
Top Most Common Questions Asked Of The White House Switchboard Operator:
“You guys find Saddam yet?”
“Can I get some of them little square hamburgers delivered?”
“Hey, it’s the President. I lost my wallet again. Can you tell the guy to let me in?”
“You guys find Saddam yet?”
“How ’bout Osama — found him yet?”
“I work next door. Can you guys turn down the Lynyrd Skynyrd?”
“It’s Al Gore — has anyone called for me?”
“Do you accept unsolicited ‘West Wing’ scripts?”
“Aren’t you too busy to answer your own phone, Mr. President?”
“This is the President — any idea how I’d get a hold of Cheney?”
President Bush got up early Friday morning in Kennebunkport and went fishing off the coast of Maine with his father in the family cabin cruiser. It’s called the Fidelity II. The Bushes can’t even christen a boat without elbowing the Clintons.
Al Sharpton’s Ford Explorer may be repossessed over a $3,600 bounced check. His response to the story was a statement that he doesn’t drive or have a driver’s license. One look at him and you know he traded oil for food long before Saddam Hussein ever did.
Barnes and Noble said Hillary Clinton broke its one-day sales record [last] Monday. That’s not all. Other broken records in the book include politics of personal destruction, vast right-wing conspiracy, and out-of-control overzealous prosecutors.
Barbara Walters’s chat with Hillary Clinton was a ratings smash Sunday. It was the third most-watched show all week. The interview trailed CSI and Everybody Loves Raymond but Hillary Clinton defeated Law and Order, and not for the first time.m for the next century.
Justice Sandra Day O’Connor was nearly killed Friday by a falling stage beam in Philadelphia. She’s the swing vote. If that beam had fallen an inch to the left, gay couples who smoke in public restaurants would never get into Michigan Law School.
The White House offered a twenty-five-million-dollar reward for information leading to the capture of Saddam Hussein. So now, the fugitive dictator will kill anyone around him who acts the least bit suspicious. It will be like old times.
Congress sent its Medicare reform bill to conference last week. No one likes it, but everyone wants it, and no one wants to pay for it. Right now, Americans can’t imagine how our lives could be any more frustrating and complex, but Congress can.
Hillary Clinton raised eyebrows by celebrating the Fourth of July in England Friday. She must be blind to appearances. Every August Hillary celebrates the anniversary of her marriage to Bill Clinton with the Kennedys at Martha’s Vineyard.
The Governing Council of Iraq met for the first time Sunday. It was politics as usual. They didn’t make any decisions on police, infrastructure or economic development but they did get three hundred signatures to recall Governor Gray Davis.
The House voted to fund four sexual research projects. They include studies of Asian hookers and the sex habits of older men. The money was needed because the research may require congressional fact-finding trips to the Moonlight Bunny Ranch.
The Transportation Security Agency said that passengers will no longer be required to take off their shoes at airports. It’s no secret why. Now that the scanners can
see completely through clothes, no one wants to look at your feet.
Iran test-launched its Shahab-3 missile … that is able to reach Israel. Iran says they built the rocket and guidance system using their own expertise. So it’s just a coincidence that Shahab is the North Korean word meaning This Side Up.
West Nile virus surfaced in a South Carolina pond … to begin this summer’s plague. You can’t make it up. One week after the September 11th attacks the U.S. government grounded all crop dusters, and now we’re all going to die of bug bites.
Colin Powell met with Crown Prince Abdullah in Riyadh and toured Saudi Arabia last week. He wasn’t impressed by their crackdown on al-Qa’ida. On the motorcade in from the airport, he saw three billboards advertising Osama bin Laden Live at the Dunes.
The Pentagon admitted Monday al-Qa’ida prisoners are being subjected to eight straight hours of the theme song from Barney. Talk about making more bin Ladens. The exact same experience has driven more than one parent to want to blow something up.
Democrats held a presidential debate in Iowa in front of a union crowd. It was quite a show. The candidates spent ninety minutes discussing ways to prevent corporations from making profits so we can get this economy moving again.