Upstate New York seems to be on everyone’s vacation wish list. This list of rules will be handed to each person entering the state. (Note: Vehicles from New Jersey , New York City and Connecticut will receive two copies.)
1. That slope-shouldered farm boy you are snickering at did more work before breakfast than you will do all week at the gym.
2. It’s called a “dirt road.” No matter how slowly you drive, you’re going to get dust on your BMW. I have a fourwheel drive because I need it. Now drive or get out of the way.
3. We all started hunting and fishing when we were nine years old. Yeah, we saw Bambi. We got over it.
4. Any references to “corn fed” when talking about our women will get your butt kicked by our women.
5. Pull your pants up, and turn your hat around. You look like an idiot.
6. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards are making their final approach, we will shoot it. You might hope you don’t have it up to your ear at the time!
7. No, there’s no “Vegetarian Special” on the menu. Order steak. Order it rare. Order a two pound lobster and steamers. Or, you can order the Chef’s Salad and pick off the two pounds of ham and turkey.
8. Yeah, we have sweet tea. It comes in a glass with two packets of sugar and a long spoon.
9. You bring Coke into my house, it better be brown, wet, and served over ice.
10. So you have a sixty-thousand dollar car. We’re real impressed. We have quarter-million dollar skidders to pull logs out of the woods.
11. Let’s get this straight. We have one stoplight in town. We stop when it’s red, and we may even stop when it’s yellow.
12. Our women hunt, fish, and drive trucks because they want to. So, you’re a feminist. Isn’t that cute.
13. Yeah, we eat lobster, scallops, clams and haddock too. If you really want sushi and caviar, it’s available at the bait shop.
14. They are pigs and they are cows. That’s what they smell like. Get used to it. Don’t like it? I-87 goes two ways… get on the Southbound Lane.
15. “Opening day” refers to the first days of fishin’ and deer season’. They are religious holidays. You can get breakfast at the church.
16. So what if every person in every pickup waves? It’s called being friendly. Understand the concept?
17. Yeah, we have gorgeous golf courses. We play on them too. Don’t hit in the water hazards. It spooks the fish.
18. Chowder is supposed to be white. Don’t even think of asking for red chowder until you are somewhere safely south of White Plains.
Welcome to Upstate New York. The Way Life Should Be!